Admission is easier than ever this year, and a urine sample is all that is needed to enter. Urine; it's that simple.
Dress code for the event is Ku Klux Klan casual.
Trump water, tapped in Flint Michigan, will be available at $7 a bottle; and cans of beer, Hamm's and Pabst Blue Ribbon (America's real beers) are available near the front of the course for $12.50 each.
The ceremony will begin promptly at 4 pm with the Russian prostitutes spraying Golden Showers, a Trump favorite. It will be followed by a quick rendition of I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy, sung by the one and only "Toothless Dan".
Semi automatic weapons are allowed at the event. And If you must bring a weapon to the ceremony, we ask that you only shoot at people of color or people with religious views other than yours. And please be discreet. At all times, remember, this is a pageant to honor Czar Trump.
Conversion therapy brochures will be available at kiosks throughout the course.
Also, literature is available so you can learn Russian at Trump U. Only the best instructors will be teaching it because Donald J Trump only hires the best. Dah?
We'll have a big finale. Actually, the best finale, where we'll raffle off states to the USSR, beginning with California. We never liked California anyway. Overrated and a bunch of losers. Sad.
The pageant will finish with a chorus of "We're Back in the USSR".
This must also be noted: since all of the nation's gowns have sold out for the event, were offering Ivanka's line at a deeply discounted price of 5 percent. They're absolutely beautiful gowns. Perfect in every sense, much like she is. No one seems to mind that they are made in China. --the same way, pissants don't don't care about tax payments or disclosures. This is your movement and your czar can do as he wants.
At the end of this spectacle, we will supply buses to take the recently non-insured (due to the repeal of ACA)
to the ocean. The ocean is a beautiful way to go. We'll charge a nominal fee for this last ride.
See ya later, peasants. Be happy. You're about to swear in your first czar, cray-cray to boot, and soon to be dictator of the world.
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